Fat Bottomed Girls

Oh you gonna take me home tonight
Oh down beside that red fire light
Oh you gonna let it all hang out
Fat-bottomed girls you make the rocking world go round
I was just a skinny lad
Never knew no good from bad
But I knew love before I left my nursery
Left alone with big fat Fanny
She was such a naughty nanny
Hey big woman, you made a bad boy out of me
I’ve been singing with my band
Across the water, across the land
I’ve seen every blue eyed floozy on the way
But their beauty and their style
Went kind of smooth after a while
Take me to them naughty ladies every time
Oh, won’t you take me home tonight
Oh, down beside your red fire light
Oh, and you give it all you got
Fat-bottomed girls you make the rocking world go round
Fat-bottomed girls you make the rocking world go round
Now I got mortgages and homes
I got stiffness in the bones
Ain’t no beauty queens in this locality
But I still get my pleasure
Still got my greatest treasure
Hey big woman you gonna make a big man out of me
Oh, you gonna take me home tonight
Oh, down beside that red fire light
Oh, you gonna let it all hang out
Fat-bottomed girls you make the rocking world go round
Fat-bottomed girls you make the rocking world go round
Get on your bikes and ride

We are the Champions

I’ve paid my dues
Time after time
I’ve done my sentence
But committed no crime
And bad mistakes
I’ve made a few
I’ve had my share of sand
Kicked in my face
But I’ve come through
And we mean to go on and on and on and on
We are the champions, my friends
And we’ll keep on fighting till the end
We are the champions
We are the champions
No time for losers
‘Cause we are the champions of the World
I’ve taken my bows
And my curtain calls
You brought me fame and fortune
And everything that goes with it
I thank you all
But it’s been no bed of roses
No pleasure cruise
I consider it a challenge before
The human race
And I ain’t gonna lose
And we mean to go on and on and on and on
We are the champions, my friends
And we’ll keep on fighting till the end
We are the champions
We are the champions
No time for losers
‘Cause we are the champions of the World
We are the champions, my friends
And we’ll keep on fighting till the end
We are the champions
We are the champions
No time for losers
‘Cause we are the champions of the World

Merry Christmas from Chiron Beta Prime

R says: “I wanted to do a really messed-up holiday song because a certain person kept asking me if I’m okay with being in Christmas shows, and I’m like um, whuh? And I’m not about to do one of those Token Jew Routines because I think Adam Sandler’s song is utter crap and anything actually culturally relevant would miss the mark. Plus, Matisyahu is more reggae and soul than traditional. It was down to Weird Al’s Christmas At Ground Zero or Joco’s Chiron Beta Prime. I let both simmer for three years, tinkering on paper, and I saw a beach cave somewhere and I imagined an airlock and thought two levels of dancers, perfect! As for the robots, a mashup of Gary Glitter and Green Day Holiday by Dean Gray has been on my mind for a long time, and that one would have Daleks and Cybermen and a Tardis and Geordie as Doctor Who flying around while the dancers dance and… eh, that takes effort. Chrion Beta Prime just got taken over by Daleks. Oh, and if someone pisses me off, I can put them on mover 3 to… you’ll see.”

This year has been a little crazy for the Andersons.
You may recall we had some trouble last year.
The robot council had us banished to an asteroid.
That hasn’t undermined our holiday cheer.
And we know it’s almost Christmas by the marks we make on the wall.
And that’s our favorite time of year.
Merry Christmas from Chiron Beta Prime,
Where we’re working in a mine for our robot overlords.
Did I say overlords? I meant protectors.
Merry Christmas from Chiron Beta Prime.
On every corner there’s a giant metal Santa Claus
Who watches over us with glowing red eyes.
They carry weapons and they know if you’ve been bad or good.
Not everybody’s good but everyone tries.
And the rocks outside the airlock exude ammonia-scented snow.
It’s like a Winter wonderland.
Merry Christmas from Chiron Beta Prime,
Where we’re working in a mine for our robot overlords.
Did I say overlords? I meant protectors.
Merry Christmas from Chiron Beta Prime.
That’s all the family news that we’re allowed to talk about.
We really hope you’ll come and visit us soon.
I mean we’re literally begging you to visit us.
And make it quick before they …
-MESSAGE REDACTED-
Now it’s time for Christmas dinner – I think the robots sent us a pie!
You know I love my soylent green.
Merry Christmas from Chiron Beta Prime,
Where we’re working in a mine for our robot overlords.
Did I say overlords? I meant protectors.
Merry Christmas from Chiron Beta Prime.

One

One singular sensation, every little step she takes
One thrilling combination, every move that she makes
One smile and suddenly nobody else will do
You know you’ll never be lonely with you-know-who

One moment in her presence and you can forget the rest
For the girl is second best to none, son
Oooh! Sigh! Give her your attention
Do I really have to mention she’s the one

She walks into a room and you know she’s
uncommonly rare, very unique
peripatetic, poetic and chic
She walks into a room and you know from her
maddening poise, effortless whirl
(One thrilling combination, every move that she makes
She’s a special girl)
strolling

Can’t help all of her qualities extolling
Loaded with charisma is ma
jauntily, sauntering, ambling, shambler
One, and you know you must
Shuffle along, join the parade
She’s the quintessence of making the grade
This is whatcha call trav’ling!

Oh strut your stuff!
Can’t get enough!
Ooh! Sigh! Give her your attention
Do I really have to mention
She’s the one!

Still Loving You

Time
It needs time
To win back your love again
I will be there
I will be there
Love
Only love
Can bring back your love someday
I will be there
I will be there
Fight
Babe, I’ll fight
To win back your love again
I will be there
I will be there
Love
Only love
Can bring down the wall someday
I will be there
I will be there
If we’d go again
All the way from the start
I would try to change
The things that killed our love
Pride has built a wall, so strong
That I can’t get through
Is there really no chance
To start once again?
I’m loving you
Try
Baby, try
To trust in my love again
I will be there
I will be there
Love
Our love
Just shouldn’t be thrown away
I will be there
I will be there
If we’d go again
All the way from the start
I would try to change
The things that killed our love
Pride has built a wall, so strong
That I can’t get through
Is there really no chance
To start once again?
If we’d go again
All the way from the start
I would try to change
The things that killed our love
Yes, I’ve hurt your pride and I know
What you’ve been through
You should give me a chance
This can’t be the end
I’m still loving you
I’m still loving you
I’m still loving you
I need your love
I’m still loving you
Still loving you, baby
I’m still loving you
I need your love
I’m still loving you
I need your love
Hoo!
I’m still loving you
I need your love
Hoo!
I need your love

Thin Ice/Run Like Hell

Momma loves her baby
And daddy loves you too
And the sea may look warm to you babe
And the sky may look blue
Ooh baby
Ooh baby blue
Ooh babe
If you should go skating
On the thin ice of modern life
Dragging behind you the silent reproach
Of a million tear-stained eyes
Don’t be surprised when a crack in the ice
Appears under your feet
You slip out of your depth and out of your mind
With your fear flowing out behind you
As you claw the thin ice

Run, run, run, run, run, run, run, run
Run, run, run, run, run, run, run, run
You better make your face up in
Your favorite disguise
With your button down lips and your
Roller blind eyes
With your empty smile
And your hungry heart
Feel the bile rising from your guilty past
With your nerves in tatters
When the conch shell shatters
And the hammers batter
Down your door
You’d better run
Run, run, run, run, run, run, run, run
Run, run, run, run, run, run, run, run
You better run all day
And run all night
Keep your dirty feelings
Deep inside
And if you’re taking your girlfriend
Out tonight
You’d better park the car
Well out of sight
‘Cause if they catch you in the back seat
Trying to pick her locks
They’re gonna send you back to mother
In a cardboard box
You better run
“Hey, open up!”
“Hammer, hammer”

The Hula Hula Boys

R says: “Warren Zevon was a brilliant musician and a tormented soul who did a lot of horrible things in his life. Jackson Browne not only saved Warren from dying of drug overdoses and murdering his family, but he’d distract him with all night songwriting and jam sessions. (There’s a cover of Poor Poor Pitiful Me by Jackson Browne that I may do in a few years.) This routine took 3 years of dreaming of it and a day and a half of building. It’s a three-minute Benny Hill act, sans Benny slapping some old geezer on the head. I felt it was perfect for a burlesque theme. And the out of sync is deliberate… not just me being lazy and sloppy. Everyone was told to be a bit random and accessorize and play it up. Bri with the one boot was the best visual pun of them all! Oh, and about the set… the tire, fence, stop sign, and cinderblock are an homage to Strong Bad from Homestar Runner.”

I saw her leave the luau
With the one who parked the cars
And the fat one from the swimming pool
They were swaying arm in arm

I could hear the ukuleles playing
Down by the sea
She’s gone with the hula hula boys
She don’t care about me
She’s gone with the hula hula boys
She don’t care about me

They’re singing,
Ha’ina ‘ia mai ana ka puana (translation hazy: and thus the story goes)
Ha’ina ‘ia mai ana ka puana
Ha’ina ‘ia mai ana ka puana
Ha’ina ‘ia mai ana ka puana

Yesterday she went to see
The Polynesian band
But she came home with her hair all wet
And her clothes all filled with sand

I didn’t have to come to Maui
To be treated like a jerk
How do you think I feel
When I see the bellboys smirk?

And I can hear the ukuleles playing
Down by the sea
She’s gone with the hula hula boys
She don’t care about me

They’re signing,
Ha’ina ‘ia mai ana ka puana
Ha’ina ‘ia mai ana ka puana
Ha’ina ‘ia mai ana ka puana
Ha’ina ‘ia mai ana ka puana
Ha’ina ‘ia mai ana ka puana
Ha’ina ‘ia mai ana ka puana