Merry Christmas from Chiron Beta Prime

R says: “I wanted to do a really messed-up holiday song because a certain person kept asking me if I’m okay with being in Christmas shows, and I’m like um, whuh? And I’m not about to do one of those Token Jew Routines because I think Adam Sandler’s song is utter crap and anything actually culturally relevant would miss the mark. Plus, Matisyahu is more reggae and soul than traditional. It was down to Weird Al’s Christmas At Ground Zero or Joco’s Chiron Beta Prime. I let both simmer for three years, tinkering on paper, and I saw a beach cave somewhere and I imagined an airlock and thought two levels of dancers, perfect! As for the robots, a mashup of Gary Glitter and Green Day Holiday by Dean Gray has been on my mind for a long time, and that one would have Daleks and Cybermen and a Tardis and Geordie as Doctor Who flying around while the dancers dance and… eh, that takes effort. Chrion Beta Prime just got taken over by Daleks. Oh, and if someone pisses me off, I can put them on mover 3 to… you’ll see.”

This year has been a little crazy for the Andersons.
You may recall we had some trouble last year.
The robot council had us banished to an asteroid.
That hasn’t undermined our holiday cheer.
And we know it’s almost Christmas by the marks we make on the wall.
And that’s our favorite time of year.
Merry Christmas from Chiron Beta Prime,
Where we’re working in a mine for our robot overlords.
Did I say overlords? I meant protectors.
Merry Christmas from Chiron Beta Prime.
On every corner there’s a giant metal Santa Claus
Who watches over us with glowing red eyes.
They carry weapons and they know if you’ve been bad or good.
Not everybody’s good but everyone tries.
And the rocks outside the airlock exude ammonia-scented snow.
It’s like a Winter wonderland.
Merry Christmas from Chiron Beta Prime,
Where we’re working in a mine for our robot overlords.
Did I say overlords? I meant protectors.
Merry Christmas from Chiron Beta Prime.
That’s all the family news that we’re allowed to talk about.
We really hope you’ll come and visit us soon.
I mean we’re literally begging you to visit us.
And make it quick before they …
-MESSAGE REDACTED-
Now it’s time for Christmas dinner – I think the robots sent us a pie!
You know I love my soylent green.
Merry Christmas from Chiron Beta Prime,
Where we’re working in a mine for our robot overlords.
Did I say overlords? I meant protectors.
Merry Christmas from Chiron Beta Prime.

Stop the Cavalry

AUDIENCE PARTICIPATION PARTIES:

Hey, Mr. Churchill comes over here
To say we’re doing splendidly
But it’s very cold out here in the snow
Marching to and from the enemy
Oh I say it’s tough, I have had enough
Can you stop the cavalry?
I have had to fight, almost every night
Down throughout these centuries
That is when I say, oh yes yet again
Can you stop the cavalry?
Mary Bradley waits at home
In the nuclear fall-out zone
Wish I could be dancing now
In the arms of the girl I love
Wish I was at home for Christmas
Bang! That’s another bomb on another town
While the Tsar and Jim have tea
If I get home, live to tell the tale
I’ll run for all presidencies
If I get elected I’ll stop, I will stop the cavalry
Wish I was at home for Christmas
Wish I could be dancing now
In the arms of the girl I love
Mary Bradley waits at home
She’s has been waiting two years long
Wish I was at home for Christmas

A Spaceman Came Traveling

AUDIENCE PARTICIPATION PARTIES:

A spaceman came traveling on his ship from afar
‘Twas light years of time since his mission did start
And over a village, he halted his craft
And it hung in the sky like a star, just like a star
He followed a light and came down to a shed
Where a mother and child were lying there on a bed
A bright light of silver shone round his head
And he had the face of an angel and they were afraid
Then the stranger spoke, he said, do not fear
I come from a planet a long way from here
And I bring a message for mankind to hear
And suddenly the sweetest music filled the air
And it went la la la la la la la la la
La la la la la la la, la la la la la la la la la
Peace and goodwill to all men and love for the child
La la la la la la la la la, la la la la la la la, la la la la la la la la la, oh
This lovely music went trembling through the ground
And many were awakened on hearing that sound
And travelers on the road
The village they found by the light of that ship in the sky
Which shone all around
And just before dawn at the paling of the sky
The stranger returned and said, now I must fly
When two thousand years of your time has gone by
This song will begin once again to a baby’s cry
And it went la la la la la la la la la
La la la la la la la, la la la la la la la la la
This song will begin once again to a baby’s cry
And it goes la la la la la la la la la
La la la la la la la, la la la la la la la la la
Peace and goodwill to all men and love for the child
Oh the whole world is waiting, waiting to hear the song again (la la la la la la la la la)
There are thousands standing on the edge of the world (la la la la la la la la la)
And a star is moving somewhere, the time is nearly here (la la la la la la la la la)
This song will begin once again to a baby’s cry

Let It Go

The snow glows white on the mountain tonight
Not a footprint to be seen
A kingdom of isolation
And it looks like I’m the queen
The wind is howling like this swirling storm inside
Couldn’t keep it in, heaven knows I’ve tried
Don’t let them in, don’t let them see
Be the good girl you always have to be
Conceal, don’t feel, don’t let them know
Well, now they know
Let it go, let it go
Can’t hold it back anymore
Let it go, let it go
Turn away and slam the door
I don’t care what they’re going to say
Let the storm rage on
The cold never bothered me anyway
It’s funny how some distance makes everything seem small
And the fears that once controlled me can’t get to me at all
It’s time to see what I can do
To test the limits and break through
No right, no wrong, no rules for me
I’m free
Let it go, let it go
I am one with the wind and sky
Let it go, let it go
You’ll never see me cry
Here I stand and here I stay
Let the storm rage on
My power flurries through the air into the ground
My soul is spiraling in frozen fractals all around
And one thought crystallizes like an icy blast
I’m never going back, the past is in the past
Let it go, let it go
When I’ll rise like the break of dawn
Let it go, let it go
That perfect girl is gone
Here I stand in the light of day
Let the storm rage on
The cold never bothered me anyway

Oh Santa

AUDIENCE PARTICIPATION PARTIES:

Oh, there’s a Bentley
A house in Chelsea
There’s a myriad o’ things that you can get me
A little pony,
A bunch of Tonys
Oh, the things that you could do for me

Oh, Santa, oh, Santa
I know that you deliver everything I’m after
But you don’t need to read another Christmas list
Just save a little kiss for me

Oh, a jacuzzi,
Oh, that’ll do me
With a bubble bath and back rub with Clooney
Oh an elixir,
A super fixer
Oh, the things that you could do for me

Oh, Santa, oh, Santa
I know that you deliver everything I’m after
But you don’t need to read another Christmas list
Just save a little kiss for me

Oh, Santa
Well, yeah, there’s a few things on my list
Few things I’d like
But there’s not a lot that I—I really need.
Or maybe?

Oh, a tiara, a baby llama
A private dinner with president Obama
A trip to outer space
To get off my face
Oh, the things that you could do for me

Oh, Santa, oh, Santa
I know that you deliver everything I’m after
But you don’t need to read another Christmas list
Oh, I know you got better things to do than this
Oh, you don’t need to read another Christmas list
Just save a little kiss for me

Thank you, Santa

Silver Bells / When a Child is Born

AUDIENCE PARTICIPATION PARTIES:

City sidewalks, busy sidewalks.
Dressed in holiday style
In the air
There’s a feeling
of Christmas
Children laughing
People passing
Meeting smile after smile
and on every street corner you’ll hear

Silver bells, silver bells
It’s Christmas time in the city
Ring-a-ling, hear them sing
Soon it will be Christmas day

Strings of street lights
Even stop lights
Blink a bright red and green
As the shoppers rush
home with their treasures

Hear the snow crunch
See the kids bunch
This is Santa’s big scene
And above all this bustle
You’ll hear

Silver bells, silver bells
It’s Christmas time in the city
Ring-a-ling, hear them sing
Soon it will be Christmas day

A ray of hope flickers in the sky
A tiny star lights up way up high
All across the land, dawns a brand new morn
This comes to pass when a child is born
A silent wish sails the seven seas
The winds of change whisper in the trees
And the walls of doubt crumble, tossed and torn
This comes to pass when a child is born
A rosy hue settles all around
You’ve got to feel you’re on solid ground
For a spell or two, no one seems forlorn
This comes to pass when a child is born
And all of this happens because the world is waiting
Waiting for one child
Black, white, yellow, no one knows
But a child that will grow up and turn tears to laughter
Hate to love, war to peace and everyone to everyone’s neighbour
And misery and suffering will be words to be forgotten forever
It’s all a dream, an illusion now
It must come true, sometime soon somehow
All across the land, dawns a brand new morn
This comes to pass when a child is born

Lonely This Christmas / I Believe in Father Christmas

Try to imagine a house that’s not a home
Try to imagine a Christmas all alone
That s where I’ll be since you left me
My tears could melt the snow
What can I do without you?
I’ve got no place, no place to go
It’ll be lonely this Christmas
Without you to hold
It’ll be lonely this Christmas
Lonely and cold
It’ll be cold, so cold, without you to hold
This Christmas
Each time I remember the day you went away
And how I would listen to the things you had to say
I just break down as I look around
And the only things I see
Are emptiness and loneliness
And an unlit Christmas tree
It’ll be lonely this Christmas
Without you to hold
It’ll be lonely this Christmas
Lonely and cold
It’ll be cold, so cold, without you to hold
This Christmas
You remember last year when you and I were here
We never thought there’d be an end
And I remember looking at you then
And I remember thinking that Christmas
Must have been made for us
‘Cause darling, this is the time of year
That you really, you really need love
When it means so very, very much
So it ll be lonely this Christmas
(Without you to hold) without you to hold
(It’ll be lonely this Christmas)
It ll be so very lonely this Christmas
(Lonely and cold) lonely and cold
It’ll be lonely this Christmas
Without you to hold
It’ll be lonely this Christmas
Lonely and cold
It’ll be cold, so cold, without you to hold
This Christmas
Merry Christmas, darling, wherever you are

They said there’ll be snow at Christmas
They said there’ll be peace on earth
But instead it just kept on raining
A veil of tears for the virgin birth
I remember one Christmas morning
A winter’s light and a distant choir
And the peal of a bell and that Christmas tree smell
And their eyes full of tinsel and fire
They sold me a dream of Christmas
They sold me a silent night
And they told me a fairy story
‘Till I believed in the Israelite
And I believed in father Christmas
And I looked to the sky with excited eyes
‘Till I woke with a yawn in the first light of dawn
And I saw him and through his disguise
I wish you a hopeful Christmas
I wish you a brave new year
All anguish, pain and sadness
Leave your heart and let your road be clear
They said there’ll be snow at Christmas
They said there’ll be peace on earth
Hallelujah, Noel be it heaven or hell
The Christmas we get we deserve

Have Yourself A Merry Little Christmas

Have yourself a merry little Christmas
Let your heart be light
From now on
Your troubles will be out of sight
Have yourself a merry little Christmas
Make the Yule-tide gay
From now on
Your troubles will be miles away
Here we are as in olden days
Happy golden days of yore
Faithful friends who I dear to us
They gather near to us once more
Through the years
We’ll always be together
If the Fates allow
Hang a shining star upon the highest bough
So have yourself a merry little Christmas
Have yourself a merry little Christmas
So have yourself a merry little Christmas now